I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”