Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂