[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
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Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
😲 WTF? 😆
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house