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Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in