“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?