“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
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Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien