Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.