me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u