I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I think this should do it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?