POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.