[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
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[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.