Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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Practicing safe sax
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
(yawn)
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable