I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
How is it still this week?
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
That 👊
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast