“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
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The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?