i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.