to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it