accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
We’ve all been there
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.