Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
termite twitter scares me
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.