ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late