With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
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There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Nose
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
awesome draft from months ago i just found
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Bootstraps
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.