I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
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Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
when you don’t want to be too vague
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story