[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
How much for the goth pool noodles?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Holy crap this is wonderful
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd