date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Just why bro?!
got so much cardio in today
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”