Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
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Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
How to woo a woman
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*