Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
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If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
No, I don’t think I will.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
found this cool rock hiking today