Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what