Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black