Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*