Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.