her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve