If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Follow me for more life hacks.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I triple waxed for this?
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together