Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
👾👾👾
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.