I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely