i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Is….Is this an option?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.