15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
This makes total sense…
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
accurate
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
john wicks are toilet candles
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Can Happiness buy money?
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.