WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
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A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
B
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.