chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You Might Also Like
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Uh oh…
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I get distracted pretty eas
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens