I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
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Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Time heals everything 🙂
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?