50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
only 11 steps left
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…