I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.