The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Chemical wingman
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Just a phase…
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out