wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes