DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I falcon love using swear birds
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.