[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?