wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise