I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Is….Is this an option?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”