I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
$4 #usedbooks
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).