Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea