Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
called in thicc to work this morning
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*