There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
You Might Also Like
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.